how to design a marriage template
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What’s an ideal Marriage Template?

We often wonder why do spouses fight so much? If you are already married then you know what I am talking about. No matter how much love and respect you have for each other, things tend to go wrong at times. That’s because of the differing marriage templates you guys hold in your subconscious mind. Keep reading to know how to crack the ideal marriage template.

‘She is supposed to cook for me. It’s how we express love’, the man said.

‘He should help me with the household chores’, thought the woman.

‘I want him to hold my hands and hug me in public. A little PDA is always cute’, the woman moaned.

‘PDA is a shame. Love should be limited to the bedroom!’, he scowled. 

‘He is so possessive. I don’t feel like sharing anything with him, she said sadly.

‘Possessiveness is a form of love!’, he boasted.

‘He shares everything with his mom, it’s irritating when she intervenes each time we fight’, she said.

‘My mom loves us. She thinks and hopes the best for us’, he argued.

These and many other conflicts are very common in a marriage scene. Especially among newly married couples. That’s why it’s very important to understand what kind of marriage template you want for yourselves. 

Also Read: 7 secret ingredients for a happy marriage

What’s an ideal marriage template?

A marriage template is basically the way you think about how a marriage should work. Like how you should behave with each other, or how you should approach a situation. In other words, it’s understanding your definition of good wife and a good husband.

From clarifying your expectations to laying the ground rules, entering a marriage needs some pre-work. It’s better to discuss these things before entering into a marital relationship, but if you have skipped this step in your pre-marital courtship, then it’s never too late!

Also Read: How to make your wife happy?

How do you develop an ideal marriage template?

Typically, the idea of an ideal marriage begins to take shape from a young age. It comes from what you see in the relationship of your parents and close relatives. Without us realizing it, we get an imprint of the role model marriage in our subconscious minds. 

Though as adults, we consciously reject our parent’s marriage as an ideal role model, but subconsciously the same thinking breeds in our psychology. When we are put into certain situations, we end up imitating the reactions of our parents.

However, sometimes it’s a conscious choice. When you or your partner think your parents have a great married life, you tend to carry on the same values and principles into your marriage. But though it worked out for them, it may not work out for you. Because you are with a completely different person at a completely different time!

Also Read : Sex and intimacy

The Primary and final marriage templates

The template that we have before we are married is called the primary marriage template. If both the partners have the same primary marriage template, which does happen occasionally, marriage becomes extremely easy. That’s why in arranged marriage set-ups people try finding alliances from similar backgrounds. 

The final marriage template is when each partner has explored and shared their views and beliefs and reached one inclusive template. This need not be an immediate conclusive report, but the couple has to work together and make their own little adjustments that they are comfortable with.

What you need is to try nailing an optimal final marriage template that works for both partners. This will need a lot of talking over the respective primary templates. Speaking, opening, and trying to understand each other’s perspectives can really help in laying your own unique final template of a happy marriage.

Also Read – Role-Reversal – the new trend in India

Questions to ask yourself!

The basics

  • Live with parents or start a nuclear family.
  • Who will be the homemaker and who will be the bread earner?
  • How will you divide the chores?

The office questions

  • Will you be a working couple?
  • Whose job will take priority like after childbirth or any such circumstances?
  • How you want to manage Working late and overtimes? 
  • How much do each of you earn? 
  • What’s your professional goals for the future?
  • Are you ambitious or are you flexible about the goals?
  • What are your thoughts on savings and loans?

The aspirations

  • What kind of house do you want to live in?
  • Where do you want to live, city, beach, hills?
  • What kind of cars do you want?
  • How do you see your finances in the future?
  • How many children do you want?


  • How close are you with your family?
  • What’s your idea of dealing with parents’ irrationalities? 
  • How much you want them to be involved in your marriage and in raising your kids?
  • How much dependency do you expect?

Social Life

  • Do you want large or small social networks?
  • How close are you to your friends? 
  • What’s your opinion on opposite-gender friends? Are you ok with that? 


  • How important it is?
  • What’s your ideal weekend plans? 
  • What do you think about vacations? Are they important? How many vacations do you want in a year? What’s your ideal destination?


  • What are your wildest fantasies?
  • Are you the experimental type or missionary type?
  • How important is sex in your relationship?


  • Are you a fitness freak?
  • What’s your diet and lifestyle like?
  • Share your food preferences 
  • What kind of exercises do you engage in?
  • Are you fine with smoking and drinking?


  • How you deal with fights – yell-out, freeze-out or time-out? 
  • Wash your dirty laundry in public or keep it clean? 
  • Talk it out and understand or avoid each other till the issue fizz out?
  • Who is more likely to make up first? 
  • What’s your policy on Abuse – Zero tolerance or acceptable? 


  • Yes/ No and how many? 
  • When? 
  • Parenting styles. 
  • Who takes the primary responsibility for the care of the child(ren)? 

Guidelines for Defining your ideal marriage template 

If your primary marriage templates are very different, that does not mean you’re incompatible. It simply means you come from different backgrounds and have to work your way together. 

  • What worked for your parents may not work for you. 
  • Do not expect your partner to behave like your parent. 
  • There are no rights or wrongs just what suits you both. 
  • Try and accommodate each other’s needs and if there is a conflict then do mention it with compassion.
  • Listen to your partners irrational thoughts and try to understand where it’s coming from. 
  • Your final template can be very different from your primary templates.
  • If one of the partners come from a family where the parents have a more balanced marriage does not mean he or she gets an upper hand in defining the template of your own marriage. 
  • Even if one or both partners come from a divorced background, they too can have a good primary marriage template.
  • If you cannot agree on any particular element, don’t sweat it out. Keep it on the pending list and review it after a few months or years. 

Takeaway – Good husbands and good wives!

Designing the ideal marriage template is not one smooth process that you can accomplish in one fine evening. It happens over a period. But it’s a great place to start with the list. Keep the above principles at the back of your mind and it will help you in making tough decisions. 

Also, remember to keep the final template energy-intensive. Every now and again, you may slip into earlier modes of functioning. It happens to all of us. Remind each other of the template and react to it respectfully. If there is truth to this, just accept it and move on. 

Also, remember that the final template is likely to get refined over the years. Because you’ve developed a final template in the first year of marriage, doesn’t mean you are doomed to live within the limits. 

The final template gives you anchor points and allows you to create a marriage that is sensitive and responsive. It provides you a conducive environment for growth. Of course, as you grow, the template is bound to change! 

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Jaishree August 24, 2021 at 8:39 am

Wow..superb doctor..
First time hearing about marriage have covered all the aspects in marriage life..excellent doctor..thanks for sharing 🙏

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