At a Bengaluru wedding, a young man waits near the photographer while his mother straightens his collar. An uncle tells him to stand taller. His aunt asks whether he is eating properly. The photographer says, “Chin down.” Four adults have adjusted him before a single picture is taken.
Later, he may adjust the picture himself. A little more contrast. A different angle. Perhaps he sends it to a friend, who replies that he looks fine. This is reassuring for about six minutes. Then his feed suggests a video on how to get a stronger jawline.
The video belongs to the world of looksmaxxing: advice on making yourself more attractive, particularly popular among young men. Some of it is ordinary grooming with a new name. Some involves rating faces by measurements most people had never heard of until someone told them they were failing.
It is tempting to dismiss this as vanity. But a boy who studies his face every night is rarely thinking only about his face. He may be wondering why he has never had a girlfriend, or whether his friends laughed when they saw his photograph. An answer about cheekbones is easier to find than an answer about either of those things.
Something about the precision feels almost comforting. Your eyes have an angle; your jaw has a width. The people making the videos sound certain. They point at photographs, draw lines and give instructions. If you follow them and still feel unhappy, perhaps you simply have more work to do.
Indian homes have offered appearance advice for years, though with less equipment. A relative can tell a teenager to eat more at lunch and lose weight before a wedding. We usually call this affection. The boy knows it is affection, too. That does not mean he forgets the remark.
The phone adds a different problem: it can always find a face that makes yours seem unfinished. Many photographs have been selected from dozens, lit carefully or altered. Even an unedited close selfie changes how features appear. The boy sees the result and begins searching for a remedy to what may be an angle.
A haircut might help. So might treating acne, sleeping better or finding clothes he likes. All of that brings pleasure. Anyone who has watched a young man admire a new haircut in a shop window knows it; he will walk past the same window twice if he can manage it.
The advice gets stranger when it promises to change bone. “Mewing” claims that holding the tongue against the roof of the mouth will sculpt a jaw. Orthodontists say the evidence does not support that promise. Others online recommend striking the face. Teeth and eyes sit remarkably close to the proposed worksite.
Parents may laugh at such ideas, then worry when their son stops eating dinner. By then, he may have learnt to describe hunger as discipline. He may avoid photographs or spend an hour choosing one. Boys are often praised for taking fitness seriously, which can make distress harder to notice.
Girls know this awkwardness well. Girls have long been told to improve their looks and then criticised for caring too much. Boys were expected to look attractive without admitting they’d put in effort. The internet has given them permission to try. It has also supplied an audience willing to grade the attempt.
If I met the young man from the wedding, I would ask about his jaw only if it hurt or affected his bite. I would be more interested in when he began taking so many pictures, and what happens on the days he dislikes them all.
That conversation need not begin with “You look fine.” He has probably heard it from people he trusts. Ask what he has been watching. Ask whether he is still going out with friends, eating with the family and enjoying the things he used to enjoy. Those answers tell us much more than a facial measurement.
A painful bite can be examined. Acne can be treated. If thoughts about appearance are taking over his meals, time or friendships, he can get help for that too. The difficulty is taking his worry seriously while refusing to treat every video as medical advice.
At the next wedding, the photographer will still say, “Chin down.” His mother may still fix his collar. I hope someone also hands him a plate and asks him to join the table. People there will want his company, and none of them brought a ruler.
